I am not proud of my behaviour in the following excerpt🤦🏼♀️
I am only sharing it so that someone can learn from my mistakes.
I was unable to get out of the bed even though it was a Monday…i was so sad and frustrated that I felt like i had no single reason to get out of bed that morning.
“What was i getting off to do anyway? I wasn’t in a good mood, so it’s better i do not go out there and infect others with my terrible mood”, i thought
How did i get to that point?
It all started exactly two months and four days after i didn’t get what something very important for me to move to the next level in life.
I hoped for and worked for it. Then trusting God to perfect my plans, I equally prayed about it. But it didn’t come.
I could not bear the pain of the disappointment, and so I became depressed and frustrated. See how that Monday morning depression came about?
Truth is that, before that time, I was a person who always had everything that she needed or wanted.
I have always believed that the universe loves me so much. I call myself “God’s Favourite girl” And this is because even though sometimes i do not really work for some things , they somehow come to me. I didn’t understand how they happened, i just give the universe (God) the credit. (Which I think is a reasonable thing to do 😊)
So you see why i was frustrated when I didn’t get what i took out time to work and pray for?
It got to a very dangerous point when I secretly started “losing my faith in God!…”
He knows how important this is to me! So why won’t He do it for me if truly, He is there and cares”, i asked myself.
Giving my religious upbringing, I knew that with that kind of thinking, that i was going down a very dangerous and destructive path…i tried to stop myself…but the bitterness and frustration i felt were overwhelming. I couldn’t. This feeling lingered on for days…weeks…
It took the very powerful hand of the Holy Spirit(my dearest friend),to drag me out of that dangerous path i was headed!
How did it happen? It was one of those mornings that i felt low, and I wanted to listen to music to soothe my burdened heart. (Music is therapeutic for me btw). Before my present state, I normally would prefer to play some gospel tunes. But ever since i started feeling frustrated , I avoided every gospel music…(because i was “unhappy” with God)
But that fateful morning, i was moved to dig out an old CD i got from a friend
(Best of Amazing Grace Worship)
I could not decide what to do with it…i even thought of dumping it and other similar CDs in the bin.
I don’t know how that thinking changed, but i found myself unwillingly” playing the CD anyway… but i barely listened to it. ( Or so I thought)
I realized that i was actually listening to the songs when the 3rd track: “I SURRENDER ALL” by Ruben Studard started playing,and a line in it struck me…i paused the Cd player…rewound it…played it again, rewound it again and then listened again. I froze 😬
The line went thus: “…even when things don’t go my way, Lord you can trust me to never stray…”
Wow! This one time that things didn’t go my way, i strayed! I was weak…but even in my weakness, my legs found the strength to shake uncontrollably… i was unable to move!
From nowhere tears streamed down my face and my heart melted away. I cried like i had never cried before and then flashes of all that God had done for me in the past came to me all at once. Some, like I mentioned earlier, I didn’t even have to ask for!
As I continued shaking and the tears continued streaming down i had mixed feelings that I couldn’t explain. But at that point, I understood how deeply i had strayed. To question His love and faithfulness. To question even His existence. I had messed up big time. The shame i felt, i had never felt before.
I quickly got a book and a pen and wrote down all that God had done for me in the past…all the blessings of life that i had received. Life alone is enough reason to be thankful. Then talk about the obvious ones…Good health? Family? Spouse? Job? Talent? Good friends? Numerous favors? The list went on…
I made the list and could not take my eyes off the pages because indeed He had done more than enough for me!
I realized how ungrateful i was to even question Him for not answering that one prayer out of the thousands that He answered!
He (God) had always answered and favoured me and this one time He has delayed, i was doubting Him? How could i? How foolish…how ungrateful i was.
I went down on my knees immediately and cried for forgiveness to Him.
I was instantly healed of my foolishness. And then i was able to think clearly…I started rethinking the whole situation, and considered all the “what ifs”
•What if He had not answered because He had better plans for me?
•What if that was His way of testing my loyalty? And i failed…gosh!
To be honest, that thought scared me. But then, i knew that He is a merciful God and through His mercy, He had sent the Holy Spirit that morning, to pull me back with that particular song.
Good news is, He forgave me of my ungratefulness, and took me back into his loving arms. *we became best friends again* 😊
Maybe someone reading this is presently in a similar situation. Or maybe it will happen in the future.
Listen, Sometimes God goes silent…yes it happens. But trust me when i tell you that it is always for the good reasons. He promised that the thoughts He has for is are for good! He doesn’t tell lies. And be rest assured that He doesn’t stay silent forever.
Provided that you do your part as human, keep calm and leave the rest to Him.
He always comes through for His children.
And hey, while you wait, maybe borrow a leaf from me, and count your blessings as you wait for the next one. That will definitely help you relax.
Now, Taking this away from God, let’s talk about our relationship with people. Family members, friends, colleagues, etc.
Are we always appreciative of them, or do raise our expectations of them and then become ungrateful when they don’t meet up?
I remember a story someone told me about how her relatives whom she used to send some support money, all turned against her and called her stingy when she couldn’t do what she used to do anymore.
Even though they understood that she had a personal problem that was eating deep into her finances at the time, they still didn’t think that she should stop supporting them financially . This may sound trivial , but it points to the fact that we sometimes due to our selfishness,fail to appreciate what we have, the people in our lives, etc.
So the lesson I learned is:
Before you complain, before you pout in frustration and disappointment, pause for a moment, and COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
P.S. Not long after my awakening, that which i asked and hoped for, came to me in a BETTER and BIGGER way.
The reason for the delay was obviously because it took time to make it BIGGER and BETTER for me…. and for that, i am very GRATEFUL .😊🤞